October 13, 2020
Tuesday Tea Time
We have been traversing the dark. We move into the hidden, the repressed, the suppressed, the things we haven’t seen, inheritances and perpetuations of pain. This is holy ground. This is charnal ground. This is hard, scary, abstract, rewarding, birthright. I’ve been sharing some personal experiences during my extended dark night at sea, sharing what I have seen and heard and felt, in recognition that you, too, are dissolving, decaying, peering into deep dark abyss and holding fast regardless what is revealed.
Upheaval, chaos, conflict, change is all inevitable, is all natural. We are animals, and we are humxn, and there is nothing wrong with seeking comfort, safety and security.
But by what means? What ends? What trades? Nothing is free and there is no away. These are Truths, somehow ordained in stardust and bone.
In a culture so disconnected, dis-eased with these sorts of things it’s important to tell the night terrors, the hard truths. I can not offer a map or a task analysis or a how to. Instead I pop up out of my dark nights and deep holes to shine a bit of light, leave a cup of tea and a rock and a story. Because ultimately, as deeply personal as these sorts of journeys are they are also universal.
Today I want to reflect back a few things that seem timely. Here is what came to me upon waking, comfortable and safe and loved.
Fear not of these dark days and darker nights. And if you do, anchor in because you can keep on, you can actively participate in the upheaval, the dissolving, the chaos, the change. Without control, without avoidance, without much at all. Go into it, not with force externalized but with that continued commitment to honest introspection, with humble awe. Go into the brave journey of the unknown frontiers within you.
Dark nights, shadow work, looking at the uglies and nasties within is not at all new to me. I don’t know when exactly I first stepped in, looked into the abyss, and I won’t tell you it gets easier. It does get different. One reason why, I think, is because true safety and security comes from within. And when you walk the fires and lose yourself to the unknown you always come out some other side with some thing, a gift, a knowing, a skill, an expanding awareness, a Oh shit I did that and I didn’t die. Well, little deaths perhaps, probably. Forging the self/selves in fire sure does put things in perspective and it is a sure fire way to know what you’re made of. Or at least explore your constitution.
My most recent exploration was deep, as close to origin wound and self fuckery as I’ve gotten so far. I was frozen, fascinated by my own perpetuation of pains. Inheritances are more than genes and estates. Conditioning is subtle and strong. Programming needs updating, especially when installed so young by such unskilled. The shit done to us and around us when we are that small is not our fault. It is our responsibility. Especially if freedom, liberation, reclamation, reducing the suck is important to us.
This de-worlding of mine includes the ongoing investigation of blind spots – things hidden from me that I needed, and was humbly honored to receive through relating with Other. Partner, cosmos, plants, divine timing, a solar eclipse at my natal sun placement, a lunar nodal return, the continued shit show of 2020 America, moving, going full all in on myself as self employed story teller, plant student and self care essential maker. I knew shit was gonna get real and had the hubris to think I knew what it would look like. I love that about me, and when I say I have been humbled . . .
I’ve seen the tracks of those wild rabid bits of myself before, often, even at regular intervals. I have heard their howls, whimpers, snarls for a long time. There’s many reasons why vision has been limited, and that is for me to know. What I keep learning – bigger, broader, deeper – is about the specific kind of thing that happens when I pull in, when I sit at the fire and the charnel ground with all these beasts within. What happens can’t be articulated in a way I’d feel pride about crafting into words. That hasn’t stopped me or the millions before.
The gift(s) of the dark night, of peering into the darkest corners within – and now I don’t want to make guarantees – always yields gold. Gold nuggets of wisdom, wound wisdom. Expansion of consciousness. Broadening of scope. Humility. And if that isn’t some of the most precious materials on earth when you’re humxn then go back to whatever you were doing.
Through the ongoing, ebb flow processes of self examination; in conjunction with plant medicine, journaling, reflections of hard truth via intimacy and partnership with humxn and nature so much is learned. And unlearned.
Our culture really values comfort. I say fuck it.
These processes, these journeys, this weird abstract shit is by definition uncomfortable. It is defined by conflict, tension, confusion, fear, embarrassment, de-press-in, even heart break. Places I have adventured in and explored include Alaska and a lot of America, Costa Rica, islands in the Caribean, even Greece and Israel. So many stories, so many learnings. By far, hands down, no contest: the journey into shadow land and the ugliest truths about myself has been the most transformative, illuminating, and empowering. I have never known myself better.
There is no map nor guide nor advice that I can offer you as you sail or ride or run or gallop into your own dark adventure. Even if I could give it, I wouldn’t. It’s antithetical to the whole point, isn’t it? Simply some reminders, of the sanctity of such a journey. Of how your self initiated or at least actively participating to fall deep, even fall apart at the seams is yours to do. Maybe there won’t be a nugget of wisdom down there, maybe you’ll never fully re-emerge. That’s ok. That’s more than ok. The journey itself is big enough reward.
How else can we reclaim, review, reassess, integrate, actualize and evolve? These things simply, cosmically, energetically, naturally can not be done in full light only.
There is no good or bad. There is no right or wrong. There is no end. Not here.
There IS liberation in surrender. Surrender to what your soul, psyche, mind, body, emotional, being needs. When the needs and wants intersect at a quest for truth, no matter the nature and constitution of that truth, you’re on the road towards yourself. And from there so much can gestate.
It is October 13. It is the seasons of harvest, prune, root down, pulling in, dying, into the dark and the mysteries and ancestors and origins. Death co-exists with Life.
Life. Death. Life.
The invitation continues/is to go with what spurs conflict, particularly when the questions is who are you really?
Mercury in Scorpio, Rx. Mars in Aries, Rx. What are your actual desires and motivations? In this tension, in the collective and individual de-worlding we can re-orient ourselves to our deeper, truer, oldest selves, and from there see what we truly are, and what we are built to be.
It is October 13. Election day is 21 days. Three weeks. The length of a mercury rx cycle. Big change, BIG CHANGE doesn’t come quick, or easy. Systems that oppress must go, and that is priority. It is possible to participate in the dismantling of broken external AND internal systems simultaneously. In fact I may argue it is preferred, it is inevitable, it is also birthright. It is the same. It is flowing back and forth.
Tradition and inhibition may protect us, but what are they serving?
Road humps and blocks slow us down, but what are you avoiding? Sabotaging?
Pains and traumas of the past (& present) must be honored, spoken for, and deserve retribution and healing. Same, same. What within perpetuates the same harms done to you, to us, onto ourselves and into the world?
When you are in there, in your own dark, leave the external authorities, distractions, shit shows up top. Yes we may often know ourselves better in the contexts of Others, but this sacred deep duck dive into the dark is yours. See where you stand, stumble, roar, whimper, are hurt, do harm. Know where all your shit and all their shit bumps up against each other. Know yourself, in all your separateness and responsibilities and ownership. How else can you reclaim, review, reassess, integrate, evolve, and enter into the unquestionable interconnectedness of all things? And connect in ways that are real. Authentic. Foundational.
It is always a good season to make besties with your beasties. Don’t you dare look at them and dismiss them, forsake them, abandon them, fear them. If you try to amputate, ostracize and disregard I dare say you aren’t ready for their gifts, their value, their power.
Look those wild rabid beasts in the eyes and sit with them. Greet them by name. Brush their fur. Let their teeth bite. Howl with them. You may find some level of taming and domestication is in the best interest of the wild pack within you. You’ll know what to do, when there is something to be done.
May you and your wild dark journey together. I'll leave a light on.